Relationship Déjà Vu?

Relationship Déjà Vu?

Have you ever wondered why you seem to manifest the same type of relationship time and time again?  Maybe it starts out different, but by the end, you feel like you’re in relationship déjà vu.  Looking at this phenomenon from a Spiritual perspective will offer you great insight into what lessons you are trying to learn.

Throughout my years of working with people on their relationship dynamics I have had the opportunity to see that within relationships we often play one of several roles that shed light on key pieces of our personal growth and offer us opportunities to heal ourselves.  There are several roles but two of the most common are The Healer and The Chameleon. 

Keys to Your Personal Growth from the Role You Play

The Role: The Healer

If you play The Healer in your relationships you see their pain, you see their challenges and more often than not you are attracted to the potential of who they can be.  As The Healer you either do the work for them, allowing them to glom their stuff on to you or you sit in their space with a bunch of advice that includes what they ‘should’, ‘ought to’, ‘need to’ and ‘have to’ do to be or get better. Instead of being in this relationship, loving and accepting the person you are with in present time you constantly want to make them better.  Whether it’s their emotional potential or their day to day potential, you want them to be more.

The Déjà Vu: Invalidation and Anger

The more you try to heal someone the more invalidated they become.  At first they may welcome your loving, caring way, but eventually they will come to resent your energetic and emotional meddling into the way they are doing their own healing work.  We cannot do another person’s work for them without invalidating them.  We need to learn our lessons on our own and for the person who allows someone else to do the work for them, the will eventually have to break away – usually with a dramatic flair feeling invalidated and spewing anger.  The drama and the anger is what allows them to reclaim their power but it leaves you reeling wondering ‘how did this happen?’ and ‘why did it happen again?’

Heal Yourself:

The healing for you rests in recognizing that you overstep boundaries and doing someone’s work for them is not your job.  If they can’t get it, you can’t make them.  Turn your focus to yourself and work on learning healthy boundaries.  Cut out the tell-tale healer words of ‘should’, ‘ought to’, ‘need to’ and ‘have to’ and instead look at standing in your own truth and becoming a beacon of healing light, simply by being who you are.

The Chameleon: 

If you play The Chameleon in your relationships you’re a music lover with one person, you take on a love of football with another and in another relationship your learning to ride a Harley for cross country rode trips.  But who is the real you?  In your relationships you adopt the likes and interests of your partner and in the end you lose your own identity.

The Déjà Vu:  Resentment

As the relationship ages you find yourself feeling angry and resentful and wondering where ‘you’ have gone.  When the relationship ends you feel a burst of personal power and self awareness and vow to never lose yourself again, until you do it again

The Healing For You:

The healing for you is two-part.  The need to take on someone else’s interests comes from a fear that you aren’t loveable as the person you are. You adopt their interests to be liked.  First take some time to define your interests and celebrate your passions.  Second is the opportunity to validate yourself for who you are.  In your next relationship (or even in the one you are in) find balance between what interests you and what interests them.  Know the difference between being interested in finding out who they are verses becoming who they are.  If it’s all about the other person, you’re doing it again.